Back in days of yore, everyone just threw rice at the conclusion of a wedding, but then we worried about the birds eating it. Erroneously, as it turns out: it seems bird seed expands more when it absorbs moisture than rice does, so the old “exploding birds” myth is, well, a myth. Nevertheless, we live in an era of abundant alternatives of things to throw, release, or shoot at the bride and groom. I attended one wedding where we released some little butterflies, which was delightful! Using my services, though, will ensure that only local species are introduced into the ecosystem. And it’s safer than shooting guns in the air! At least if none of your guests are allergic to bees.

We don’t get locust swarms in the US anymore, but one summer evening I was dining outside at a hamburger place in Gardiner, Montana, when a giant cloud of Salmon Flies— one of Montana’s largest insects, suddenly took to the air from the riverside vegetation… and abruptly decided to descend on the hapless outdoor diners. I had spent the earlier portion of the day on a rafting trip, so I was acclimated to the insects by this time, and was able to enjoy the spectacle of tourists fleeing in terror from their wholly harmless yet surprising appearance. It was Biblical and hilarious at the same time, and perhaps I’ll see it again sometime.